Some Approaches To
Responsible Parenting
Although there are many schools of
thought on the rearing of children we cannot specifically point to a single
child rearing technique that is absolute and applicable to everybody.
Luisito E. Cayabyab
To have children is not only every
married couple’s dream but also one of the reasons why God instituted marriage.
For new parents, having a newly born child is a very exciting experience. Many
of them would openly express their happiness in having a child. The feeling for
them is unexplainable.
But the excitement of parenthood is
also coupled with anxiety. Most parents are anxious about the future of their
children. They ask, “What lies ahead of our son, what if he becomes a problem
child? How should we take care of him?”
This is the reason why Christian
parents include their children in their prayers to God. They work hard for the
sake of their children. They are motivated to look for better opportunities for
the sake of their young ones. But all these things are not enough. It does not
necessarily follow that a good provider is also a good parent. Parenting is not
simply providing children food, shelter, and clothing. It includes the proper
nurturing of children.
Ask some parents whose children are
known to be “good” and can be tagged as responsible, “How did you raise your
children?” One may say, “I’m very liberal at home, I practically let them do
things the way they want to.” Another might answer, “I’m a disciplinarian, I
believe that children will learn more with the rod.” Others would even state,
“I did nothing unusual, I lived an exemplary life to be a model to my
children.” Yet, some would lament, “why do I have notorious children when I am
living a Christian way of life.” These responses lead to the conclusion that
there is no single method in proper child rearing.
In order to understand their children,
parents should first admit the fact that every child has his own peculiar
characteristics. People sometimes label a child as “problem child,” but in-depth
interviews prove that he is not. It could be that he has some problems and
labeling him as a “problem child” is unfair. One parent complains that he has a
“problem child,” only to find out that his son has a “problem parent.” A number
of children appear to be victims of circumstances.
Although there are many schools of
thought on the rearing of children we cannot specifically point to a single
child-rearing technique that is absolute and applicable to everybody. It is
because children are not born in bunch and do not acquire their problem in
bunch. Thus, they should not be treated in bunch. Child-rearing should be an
individualized approach, depending on the nature of the child. However, there
are some points which we may consider in child-rearing.
It is not really hard to understand a
child. It is said that every adult has a “child” in himself and every child has
an “adult” within him. Every parent was once a child. That is why in order to
understand a child let us understand ourselves when we were children. Every
child has needs just like every parent. What are the common needs of the
children?
1. Love and Affection. Love is a “universal” feeling
that everybody seeks for and is an indispensable tool in a harmonious
parent-child relationship. Apostle Paul in his letter to Titus says:
“That they
admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children.”
(Titus 2:4, New
King James Version).
A child sometimes complains, “I wish I
were a basketball on the TV screen, so that every time my Dad goes home he
would spend time with me.” Another child laments, “I wish I were a mahjong tile
so my Mom would touch me.” If the child feels unloved, insecurity is created in
him which oftentimes leads him to seek love and attention as well as sympathy
through violence or extreme silence. Parents should express their love for
their children. It can be expressed in different ways like coddling, hugging,
and smiling. It should also be expressed in words. What would a parent lose if
he tells his son, “Son, I love you very much”?
2. Communication. God Himself admonishes the parents
to communicate regularly to their children. They should communicate God’s
commandments to their children as we can read in the book of Deuteronomy:
“That you may fear the Lord
your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you,
you and your son and your grandson, all the days of your life, and that your
days may be prolonged.
“And these words which I command you today shall be in
your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of
them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down,
and when you rise up.” (Deut. 6:2,6-7 Ibid.)
Parents should be tactful and diligent
in communicating to their children. Communication is not only through words but
can also be done with facial expressions and gestures. Smiling at a child will
not only exercise parents’s facial muscles but will also make the child happy
and secure. On the other hand, frowning at a child is an act of parental
punitiveness. Parents should treat their children as grown ups; this will build
their self-confidence.
3. Self-respect. To inculcate self-respect in the
child’s mind, parents should create an atmosphere of mutual respect among
household members. There must be an environment free of distrusts, fears, and
guilt’s. To do this effectively, parents should live an exemplary life. The
common mistake of some parents is the do-what-I-say-but-do-not-do-what-I-do
attitude. A father who reprimands his son for drinking alcohol when he himself
is a drunkard will be ineffective in disciplining the child.
Quarrelling in front of the children
does not only lessen a child’s respect for parents; this also shows that the
parents do not respect their children.
4. Belongingness. The sense of belongingness can be
inculcated in the child’s inner mind by involving him in the different
activities in home. This will make him a more secured individual. Give a child
his own assignment in the household chores and tap him on the shoulder after
each accomplishment. This will make him more responsible person.
5. Need of discipline. The well balanced individual
is a chemistry of love and discipline. The book Proverbs says:
“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him
is careful to discipline him.” (Prov. 13:24, New International Version)
Love without discipline will make a
child a spoiled brat. This creates a feeling of being “over-protected.” He
needs to experience the pain of life sometimes. This will make him more stable
when frustration comes. On the other hand, discipline without love will make
the child feel unwanted and this usually results in his being rebellious.
Remember that there is a very thin line between discipline and child abuse.
Apostle Paul admonished the parents that in bringing up their children in
discipline, they should not be provoked to anger.
“And, fathers, do not provoked your children to anger; but
bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph.
6:4, New
American Standard Bible)
Discipline should be rendered properly
and with proper timing. The degree of punishment should depend on the level of
mischief the child has committed. The parents should never be an outlet for
anger.
Indeed, God is concerned with the
welfare of children. He enjoins the parents to look after their children’s
well-being for they will also serve Him in the future. The parents themselves
will benefit if their children are being trained in the righteous manner. This
is proven by the learned King Solomon, who wrote:
“The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice, and he
who begets a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and your mother be
glad, and let her rejoice who gave birth to you.” (Prov. 23:24-25, New American
Standard Bible). (:
Toward Responsible Parenting
The ability to properly and effectively
impose discipline on children is the hallmark
of good and responsible parenting.
Ruben D. Aromin
It is the inherent duty of the
parents, even their obligation to God, to raise their children in the best
possible way. This is not easy task because parents have to contend with a lot
of things to be able to perform this role effectively. They have to work
against adverse influences, foremost of which is the moral decadence brought
about by materialism and modernity. Add to this is the demands of today’s living
which require both father and mother to work in order to make both ends meet.
Needless to say, parenting in today’s
society entails difficulties that demand time, effort, and even sacrifice.
Parents cannot, by their own wisdom, do this duty effectively. They need to be
properly guided by the teachings of God in rearing their children.
How then should parents raise and
train their children so that they would become responsible and productive
individuals, and more importantly, faithful servants of God? The Bible provides
this guide to the parents, thus:
“And parents, do not provoke your children to anger; but
bring them up in the discipline and teaching of our Lord.” (Eph. 6:4, Lamsa)
God-fearing parents take His teachings
as the primary guide in raising and disciplining their children. To these
parents, nothing is above God’s words in molding their children’s character and
personality. Apostle Paul underscored the multiple functions of God’s words in
his letter to the young minister Timothy:
“And that from childhood you have known the sacred
writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through
faith which is in Christ Jesus.
“All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for
teaching, for reproof, for training in righteousness; That the man of God may
be adequate, equipped for every good work.” (II Tim. 3:15-17, New American
Standard Bible)
God’s written word is all
encompassing. Aside from providing man the knowledge he needs for salvation,
this can also be used in teaching , correcting, and training children through
adulthood. If children were trained and nurtured in the instruction of the Lord they would not only become
God-fearing people but responsible and useful citizens as well. They would not
be easily swayed by the evil influences of this world. Instead, they would
become “adequate, equipped for every good work.”
God has entrusted to the parents the
great task of teaching and training children. The book of Deuteronomy attests
to this:
“That you may fear the Lord
your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you,
you and your son and your grandson, all the days of your life, and that your
days may be prolonged.
“You shall love the Lord
your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might.
“And these words which I command you today shall be in
your heart;
“You shall teach them diligently to your children, and
shall talk of them when you sit down in your house, when you walk by the way,
when you lie down, and when you rise up.” (Dt. 6:2, 5-7, New King James Version)
Parents are duty bound to teach
diligently the commandments of God to their children. They should teach them
reverent fear and love of God. They should inculcate in them the truth that
serving God by keeping His commands is man’s ultimate and lifetime obligation.
They should do these at all opportune times. But, in order to be effective
teachers to their children, parents should themselves honor God by obeying His
commandments. They should teach by example. Truly, religious education must
start at home with the parents as the first teachers, trainors, and models in
holiness of their offspring.
Concommitant with the parents’ obligation
to nurture their children in holiness and righteousness, is their responsibility
to impress unto them the value of the true worship to God. Parents should see
to it that their children devotedly attend the children worship services
regularly. They should accompany them on such occasions. This would surely help
in the spiritual and character development of the children. In such holy
gatherings, children are taught to pray, to respect their elders, and to adopt
Christian morals and virtues. What good will it brings to a child who has been
trained and taught properly the words of God? The Bible gives us this truism:
“Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is
old, he will not depart from it.” (Prov. 22:6, King James Version)
A child trained early in life to live in
the true Christian manner would grow up serving and honoring the Lord. Starting young, he will remain
obeying God’s laws and commandments until he reaches adulthood. His good
breeding will surely serve him in good stead when he grows old.
Imposing
Discipline With Love
Proper discipline plays a vital role in
the formation and development of the character and behavior of the child. This
was emphasized by the learned King Solomon:
“Discipline your son and he will give you happiness and
peace of mind.” (Prov. 22:6, Living Bible)
Parents who practice discipline in their
household to ensure that everybody lives righteously can expect to have no
problem children in the future. Their children would give them happiness and
peace of mind, instead of sorrows and worries.
The ability to properly and effectively
impose discipline on children is the hallmark of good and responsible
parenting. In this regard, parents need God’s divine guidance. It would be well
for them to heed Apostle Paul’s admonition to the Christian parents in
Colossus, thus:
“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be
discouraged.” (Col. 3:21, King James Version)
It is true, parents should not condone
the misdeeds of their children. They should correct them in their wrongdoing
and make them obey what is righteous. But obedience coupled with respect is
what God wants the parents to teach their children. This was emphasized by
Apostle Paul when he counseled the father of the household to “manage his own
family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”
(I Tim. 3:4, New
International Version)
Some parents today complain about
difficulties they encounter in instilling the virtue of obedience in their
children. They lament that children these days are a far cry from those of
their time.
Why are today’s children and youth
seemingly more difficult to handle than their counterparts in the past? Because
they are more exposed to more complex influences which are sometimes
detrimental to their Christian upbringing. Aside from peer group influence,
there is also the more pervasive influence of the print and electronic media.
Film, television, and comics do glorify violence, immorality, and greed, not to
mention the sexually explicit and provocative stories. These negatively
influence the children young minds. Hence, parents nowadays can ill-afford to
be lax in employing discipline on them. They should be vigilant in guiding
their children. In doing so, however, they should make their children feel
their love and concern for their welfare. Failure to do so may give the wrong
impression to their children. A commensurate amount of tact is also necessary
in this regard.
Of Love And
Punishment
It is every child’s right and privilege
to be loved by his parents. On the other hand, parents are morally bound to
care for and love their children. Parental love is manifested in more ways than
one. This should be expressed properly in accordance with God’s words.
There are parents who have the mistaken
belief that withholding punishment from their children even if they have done
something wrong is an act of love. There are times when this becomes the cause
of misunderstanding between the father and the mother. There are parents,
particularly the mothers, who, because of this wrong notion, protect their
children from their fathers’ punishment. But is this in conformity with the
teaching of the Bible? Does it mean parents are lacking in love and concern for
their children if they punish them? Proverbs 13:24 clarifies this issue:
“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him
is careful to discipline him.” (Ibid.)
Parents who
truly love their children would not hesitate to use the rod of correction if
the situation and the gravity of their children’s misdeeds call for it. Proverbs
29:15 also states that “the rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to
himself disgraces his mother.” (Ibid.)
Thus, contrary to some parents’ idea of love, those who are reluctant to punish
their children for their wrongdoings are the one who really do not love and
care for their children.
It is likewise important that the proper
punishment be meted out. This would make the child remember and realize his
mistake. In sharp contrast, a child who has been constantly denied of
punishment by the doting parents would be emboldened to do mischief knowing
that there is someone to protect and side with him. He would soon develop a
distorted notion that “doing wrong is no big deal,” for he can always get away
with it. How true indeed are King Solomon’s words that “foolishness is bound in the heart of the
child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”
(Prov. 22:15, King
James Version)
Although parents have the authority to
discipline, this should be tempered by good judgment. It is not proper to give
a child corporal punishment for a slight mistake which normally would require
only a reprimand or a light scolding. This would bring negative effects on him.
He might become immune to whippings and light no longer respond positively to
such disciplinary measure. Thus, it is also imperative for parents to explain
to the child why he is being punished.
The value of discipline and proper
punishment is clearly stated in Proverbs 23:13-14, thus:
“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish
him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul
from death.” (New International Version)
Bridging The
Communication And Generation Gaps
It is important that parents learn the
proper way of communicating and relating to their children. They should know
the art of getting across their message to their offspring. Parents should realize that they can not relay
their message clearly and effectively to their children when they are angry.
Children who are reared in constant shouting cursing, blaming, nagging,
scolding, and beating may develop inferiority complex. They may lose their
self-confidence, become timid, or grow up with an attitude problem such as
rebelling against parents.
In view of this, parents should be
patient in counseling their children. To avoid the so-called generation and
communication gaps, they should establish a friendly relationship with their
children. This would make the home conducive to the child’s learning process and
full development.
There should be an open communication
line between parents and their children. One way of promoting this healthy
parent-child relationship at home is for the parents to reach out to their
children. They should be their children’s best friends and confidants so that
the latter could open up to them their problems and anxieties without fear of
being spurned or embarrassed. It is not healthy if children would confide more
to their friends, classmates or peers than to their parents. Parents should not
be the last ones to know the problem of their children.
Parents should find time to spend with
their children. Although their work schedule may be hectic and would allow only
a limited time for their children, quality minutes spent with them would do
great wonders. The time of togetherness, brief though it may be, would leave
fond and lasting memories that would remind their children of their love and
affection. Children would feel that they are important to their parents.
Expectedly, they would reciprocate with love and respect.
Personal concern supervision by
parents is indeed crucial in raising the children. Both the mother and the
father should perform well their complementary roles in overseeing their
children’s growth and development. The mother, who usually spends the most time
with the children should follow the example of what a good mother should be as
described in Proverbs 31:27-28, thus:
“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not
eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her
husband also, and he praises her.” (Revised Standard Version)
While the father works for a living,
as this is the primary obligation to the family (cf. I Tim. 5:8), the mother should look after the ways of the
family, especially her children. She sees to it that all the needs of her
children are well attended to. She knows the activities of her children-who are
their usual companions, where they usually go, what time they usually go home,
and how they fare in their studies. She may be a working mother but she is
first and foremost a mother to her children. As a good mother, she does not
spend her time in idleness. She may be a working mother but she is first and
foremost a mother to her children. Thus, she is never remiss of her duties and
obligation to them.
Parentalnegligence is never a virtue.
It is diametrically opposed to good parenting. Hence, it must be avoided.
Parents who do not give due attention to their duties and obligations to their
children would regret this in the end. The Bible tells us what a foolish son,
who is product of parental neglect, brings to his mother:
“A wise son makes his father proud of him; a foolish one
brings his mother grief.” (Prov. 10:1, Today’s English Version)
Surely, no parents in his right mind
would want his child to become a burden and liability. It is every parent’s
wish that his child would bring him honor instead of shame and grief. And this
is a wish that is not beyond the parents’ reach. This can be translated into
reality through the parents’ continued and sustained guidance of their
children. And they should do this as mandated by the words of God written in
the Bible. (: